THESE DAYS

To conclude my hellish past week, I just made a 12-page brochure for my internship: in less than 14 hours. 

Now I look forward to:

My dad's cooking

A full night of sleep

Real breakfast

Showering regularly

Hugging cats

It's been a rough term to say the least. I've never been so sick (bronchitis, food poisoning, and imitation-strep, what up) and GPA-wise, this has been my worst term yet. I made it through, but I learned some serious dangers about overloading myself. And I know it's okay to step back.

Throughout the term, I've been participating in a psychology experiment where I go in for mood assessments. The goal I think is to see how the stress of school corresponds with depression and anxiety. I think I'm in the control group: super stressed and overworked, but not at risk for mental illness. At first I just volunteered because it was a paid gig and I can always use more money, but it's also provided me a lot of reflection and the ability to rant--I get PAID to complain. 

At the beginning of term, I was feeling a little worried. I told them about how I take out my stress on other people, either becoming a recluse or straight up needy, but how I felt optimistic; I have this insane complex where I love being challenged.

That was the assessment during week 2. 

Last week, I went in to the assessment as a different person.

The people at Oregon Research Institute are extremely friendly, and I have a feeling that I'm one of their more normal participants. Maybe not. 

I teeter back and forth in my plastic chair in the small, air-conditioned room as I try not to say "like" more than ten times in a minute. They ask me how I've been doing, how am I sleeping, do I enjoy the things I used to, how often do I relax, have I been eating more, whether I wish I was a different person, and how I want to change.

While at the first assessment I felt hopeful and prepared, almost excited for the term, my mood has changed drastically. Four classes, one internship, and three jobs where I don't spend near enough effort at either? They combine into this terrifying vampire that has left me drained and bitter and exhausted. The worst part is that I feel like I'm wasting time at all of them because I can't do my best anymore. 

I don't like this new me. I want to change. I want to make good work and not just acceptable work. There are never going to be enough hours in a day or people that care. I can barely breathe.

I made an executive decision (in my own life, go figure).

I'm going to cut back on classes and work. I'm making time to force myself to work out and live a healthier lifestyle. I'm going to give more attention to the opportunities that need it, and be more grateful for the people who support me no matter what.

I want an internship this summer so bad that it hurts; I want to devote all my effort into one awesome job and make absolutely incredible work. If I haven't already screwed myself over, my goal next term will be making myself into the best candidate I can be.

Wish me luck!