The past few months have been a whirlwind. Well, if we’re being more literal to Utah’s climate, it’s been more like a snowstorm: thick with icy patches for me to fall on my ass and this foul phenomenon called inversion, where the cold fronts and Wasatch environment allow smog to hang throughout the city. Lovely.

Needless to say, I can breathe, I haven’t fallen too much, and I’ve made a pretty good snow angel for myself out here so far. I was offered a position full-time at GumCo just this past October, and it didn’t occur to me at first what this meant.

The best way to explain it is with my sleeping situation. Over summer, I slept fairly comfortably on a twin air mattress, upgrading to a queen air mattress in the fall. Partially this was me being cheap, but mainly it was me not committing to a permanent state. If I bought an actual bed, I would be admitting to myself that I was here to stay, at least for longer than I anticipated. My whole existence over summer was to live lightly—to be able to pack my whole life into my car at a moment’s notice, if need be. I was okay with not having a ton of friends, because I didn’t know where I was going to be in a few months anyway, and I had more than enough anchors to tie me back to the west coast.

But then I had an amazing job offer with a company I loved. Then I had more than a handful of friends out here. And then I started having favorite restaurants, memorizing streets, making plans to do things in the spring, summer, next winter. I had two realizations: 1) if I could make a life for myself here, I could technically do the same anywhere, and 2) being here a while longer to build my resume and adult life wouldn’t be so bad after all.

The transition into full-time was abrupt, but I was continuing projects from earlier. Only now, I felt even more responsible to contribute something fresh, to work harder than I ever had before. When you really care about your work, you're no longer pushing yourself for a better paycheck, but for the overall success of the project as a whole. My creative work was an extension of myself, and I could no longer use the "I'm just fresh out of college" excuse to pardon any work that was less than awesome. I wanted to sit in on client meetings. I wanted my name in the credits, my script in the commercial, my tagline for the brand. I wanted these things, but I was still terrified. Other than working hard, I still wasn't sure if I deserved to hang.

My creative director Garrett sat me down in January and told me something no one had made me realize before. He said he wanted me to stand up for my ideas more. It's one thing to be comfortable with compromise and criticism, but if I felt truly passionate about an idea and could see the legs to carry it, I should fight for it. He told me that no one gets anywhere in this industry by taking the back-seat role, by becoming a contributor but never a leader. So, even at my novice level, he pushed me to find a voice for myself here.

And all around, I'm louder than before. I say "yes" to more things than I used to. I make an effort to surround myself with positive people, and listen warmly to their passions and ideas. I try to take each day as a chance to grow, and despite the craziness of adult life, I feel freer. It's funny because I don't feel more grown-up at all, but I do feel less afraid. For once in my life, I'm comfortable with being not quite sure what the future holds. I watched Shakespeare In Love the other day and there's this reoccurring quote that reads:

"It all turns out well."

"How?"

"I don't know. It's a mystery."

So, it could be a while before I head back to the best coast. But I will always always miss the ocean.

copywriter

THIS AMERICAN, GROWN-UP LIFE